Hey you wieners, This column is a week late because i was on an undercover mission. And for those you curious, yes those guys were stealing cardboard for a recycle scheme from the Walmart and despite being told not to by Walmart, I DID use nunchaku on them.
If you haven't already, fire up your Sidekick and follow me at @JohnnySqueasel . Once I get 10,000 followers I will Drop some Amazing Deals on your fools - I'm talking 5% off Smog Checks, I'm talking $19.95 caulking kits (do your whole house!), etc!
Let's get into this week's Mail Sack. Your mileage may very prepper forever God bless our sovereign rights.
Q: Dear Johnny Squeasel,
Its almost the start of another school season which usually means going shopping for new school clothes for my daughter. Shes going to go into the seventh grade and she is growing up, and I think its about time for her to start wearing a bra. As a single dad, though, I'm not sure how to bring this up with her without making her feel self conscious and uncomfortable. We don't have many female relatives that live nearby, and the adult women she is closest to is her guitar teacher and the woman that delivers pizza for Papa John's (I don't cook so we eat a lot of pizza). If I absolutely have to do it myself, how do I take my daughter bra shopping?
A: Boobless Dad,
I don't have a daughter but this seems super easy to me. Get a bunch of TACTICAL sports bras for the kid at first. You really gotta wait it out and see how big these hooters are going to be. If you've been feeding her tons of hormone cow milk they could be the size of bushels of grain each. Once you get a sense of what you're dealing with, you gotta have a talk with your daughter. Tell her these things are deadly enemies, not unlike poison puffer fish, that may or may not TRY TO KILL YOU. But guys like em and are always going to want to honk them in that way Adults do when Adults are Private Playing.
Next, call that Papa John's lady, tell her you need her to take your daughter to the real bra store (Walmart - there are always a bunch of bras trampled with spilled goldfish crackers on the floor at Walmart) to get something that fits. You'll have to give her a Subway gift card or something for her time. You'll also have to invite the Papa Johns lady to Thanksgiving probably, but she better bring some 'zas for free, since I mean come on you're hosting.
Q: Dear Johnny Squeasel,
What is the largest animal you could fight and win if you didn't have a weapon? If you had a Klingon bat'leth, what animals could you take then?
A: Hey WeddingKing,
You know what animal is fucking huge? A BIG OL' COW. And I had to fight a cow last year with my bare hands. I drop kicked that stupid bovine right in it's swaying udder, and it got hopping mad, throwing kicks this way and that. I gave it a heel drop in the head but it broke a little chip off my heel with it's stupid skull and long story short it was a draw. But that cow stopped eating my grass art (which from the air looks like a sick WWE dude with a Shark head holding two scythes). Also I told the cow's owner that I'd mortar his house if he didn't put a rope on that cow.
If I had a Klingon Kubbideh I could kill an elephant, but I never would because they're smarter than a lot of you dopes that write in or even read this column. Biggest stupid animal I'd kill..probably a giraffe. They're big dummies (no harm no foul), and you can throw a Klingon Fantasy Blade from the mall right across the Savannah at them.
Q: Dear Mr. Squeasel,
I know you don't really read comics but as a Culture Commando I thought you might want to weigh into some of the changes the PC police are making at Marvel right now. If you haven't been following, Thor is going to be a woman, Captain America is black, Ms. Marvel is a Muslin, and Daredevil is a motherfucking San Franciscan! I mean what's next? Gay Deadpool? Can you even imagine? As someone who loves these characters and has been reading them for years, I am sickened by Marvel choice to broaden their audience beyond straight white men with poor social skills. What is your take on these nauseating changes?
SpiderMAN (and a white one too, not Miles Morales)
A: Hey nerdlinger,
You and your doofus friends gotta learn no one cares about your stupid fairy tale books. So they're all gay moslems, NEWS FLASH, no one cares. YOU KNOW WHO THE REAL HEROES ARE? BADASS MILITARY DUDES AND DUDETTES ON THE FRONT LINES, FIGHTING TERRORISTS BY FLYING SICK SCIFI WEAPONRIGS FROM TRAILERS IN RENO THAT CAN VAPORIZE A WEDDING FROM 2 MILES OVER THE HORIZON. WHY DON'T YOU STOP BEING A LITTLE WHINER INDOOR KID, GO RUN SOME LAPS, WEIGHT LIFT UNTIL YOU DON'T HAVE ASTHMA ANYMORE, AND STOP ALL THAT CONFEDERATE SOLDIER LARPING. JESUS CHRIST THIS COLUMN IS SUPER SERIOUS AND I CAN'T GET YOU NERDS TO LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!1 GET A LIFE!